Monday, February 11, 2008

It's not all bad.

I complain more than I should about a choice I made, and continue to make. Complaining and acting like evil forces are forcing all this work on me does not help. It makes me feel overburdened and persecuted.

I am too acutely aware of my numbers, of the competitive aspect of it. 18/211, 3.66; 21/232, 3.67; 17/256, 3.74. My ranks and gpas from my first three semesters, in ascending order. I can also tell you that I was top 9% last semester and moved up to top 6.6% this semester. I feel insecure that, despite all the As I've managed, I have yet to get an A+. Am I serious? Yeah. I wish I wasn't. I don't even know why I'm working so hard anymore. I have a great job locked up already. I don't need these kind of grades to get a public defender job. The only reason to obsess over grades and rank is if they represent my own worth. The inadequacy of grades as a reflection of my self worth is evident in that, even with excellent grades, I am wracked by insecurity. Having nothing but A+s and being #1 would not heal my pain.

But I started by writing that it's not all bad. Because it isn't. The competition, the stress, the grades; that shit is bad. But I like trusts & estates. I like mastering concepts and learning to work within a complex web of rules. I like my saturday morning class, where I get to do opening statements and cross examinations, just like a real actor, er, lawyer. I like my con law class, helmed by a crotchety throwback with sideburns and a jacket with elbow pads. He makes us all sit with one seat in between, disallows eating and drinking (even water), does not permit ANY absences, and makes his students handwrite the finals. I like my theater law class, which feels warmly familiar. I get a lot out of that school. So I am trying to appreciate it more and spit bile less. I presume that those within spitting distance will be grateful.

And yeah, that's what the law building looks like.

Here's a haiku I wrote about it.

hulking and ashen,
law school looks like a prison
or a factory